Have you ever woken up from a deep sleep, and felt scared? You don't know where you are or even who you are. You lose sight of everything you know. You have no perception of time, or being. I know you know that feeling. We all have experienced it at one point or another. However, this only lasts a split second before I gain my memory, before I understand what is going on. I wiggle my toes and stretch my arms and I spring back into life. I look at my phone out of habit because that's what we are trained to do, and I have eight new snapchat notifications, 5 missed calls from my best friend, followed by texts in all caps saying “WHERE ARE YOU??” I lazily put back on my slippers and run to class because I’m late, and a little dizzy. I wake up and suddenly I have to go and manage and entire life, all by myself. There’s not a thing in the world stopping me but myself. I am given this body, and somehow I must feed it, take care of it, and most importantly, keep it alive. It is way more complicated and fragile. Our bodies and lives are all we are to know, and keeping it alive is our purpose. Not only that, this world we live guilts us into having norms. There are little things like what I wear, how I style my hair, or how much I can bench at the gym. But there are larger life purposes that I must maintain. I have to provide for myself by obtaining a job, a social status, and carrying an acceptable persona. It's pretty easy when I imprint my mom and dad’s every move, but one day, I wake up from this deep sleep, and there I am- alone. Completely alone. I am my own person. Being younger I would tell my parents “I can’t wait to move out, I hate it here!” amd I would slam my bedroom door unreasonably loud. But here I am, in college, given everything I so hoped for, and wishing and yearning for the times of youth. Life gives me challenges. It gives me paths to choose. Yes that sounds cliche, but it is so valid. One path may gain my social status, while decreasing my financial, or maybe another path increases my education, but maybe not my social status. But what happens when I do not know what to do? This dizziness follows me. Not only do I feel dizzy, but this shocking, deep, deafening, numbing feeling begins to take over. It is indescribable, a feeling you can not know until you feel it. I have felt it for the first time this year. Society makes the age of 18 the age of aloneness. The simple societal rule allows an adolescent like you and like me to make imperative decisions. I have the power to pick up bad habits, habits that can slowly destroy me. One little mistake like holding a Bud Light-can can cause you to be ripped away from everything I have ever known. Being 18 is an unfair, mentally and physically destroying time in our lives. Every thing that I have been told by my mom and dad and teachers and role models is right there infront of me, waiting and taunting me to fuck it all up.
I have been told to go into high school with the mindset of all A’s. I was told to take the hardest classes possible, take AP classes, dual enroll, get a job for “life experience,” play sports, join clubs not because I like them, but to enhance my resume. I was told to play an instrument to make myself well rounded, I was told to never party, to study and spend time with family. I was told that high school would go quick, to make it worth it. I was told to stay away from boys, I was told to always do studious thing. But there I was, at a party while I had homework to be done. There I was doing the opposite of everything I was ever told. There I was, a young innocent girl with a beautiful, tan, popular jock that I would have only dreamt of talking to, right there in front of me. A big tall cup of jungle juice in front of me, there I was with a classmate telling me I have to try it-a smoking paper of weed- something I was taught to fear and stay far away from. There I was- everything I was told never to do, waiting for me taunting me to do it. It was stained in m brain to fear these things, that they would ruin everything I would ever work for. And this can be very true; for I've witnessed it. But I think growing older to me was defined as finally facing my fears.These fears became real life and I was kind of put to a test. At some point you have to realize what is important to you, not what is important for everyone else. No, my mom would never condone me taking a sip of that jungle juice, no my dad would kill me if I kissed that boy, but maybe there comes a point that Im old enough to make my own decisions. You get to a point where you trust yourself, and know when to stop. So far, what has been important for me is the find balance. For me, I think going off to college by myself, without anyone to tell me no, without guilt, without authority, has taught me this important quality. Its something so hard to get a grip on, something that feels so intangible, something so elusive. But I think that that's the point. It’s not meant to be easy. It is meant to make us struggle, it is meant to push us as a person, to make us learn right from wrong, to finally understand and make aware of what is important to ourselves, not anyone else. It may take years of the dizziness to dissipate, but I guess it’s a part of growing older.
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